Dearest friends,
The time has come, a rite of passage for a teen to become a man. As corny as it sounds, it is true in one sense or another. I have a lot to say. But I cannot exactly pen them down (well I'm not exactly trying to ‘pen' things down am I). It is unclear to me why I feel the way I do, but I suspect my secondary school life has much to do with it. Yes friends, ChinHua will be enlisting in to the army on the 13th of Dec, Thursday. And though I don't feel fear, I must admit that a cold sense of anxiety is washing over me. Slowly washing through me. I understand that many will not read this entry in it's entirety but it is my belief that I have to say what I want, need, to say.
It's been 18 years, and though 18 is no break through and isn't a special number, it is a powerful stage in my life. A retrospective and reflective phase. 18 isn't a multiple of 5, nor does it end with a zero. It isn't a particularly lucky nor unlucky number like 13 or 6. However, what is special about 18 is the fact that it almost signifies an incomplete circle. Take the sum of 1 and 8 and you'll get 9. A close cousin of the perfect number 10 and in most cases, a more special number compared to 18. It is this lack of finality that draws us towards the number 18. An imperfect, ugly number. But then again, what is perfect?
18 years of journeying has taught me a fair amount of lessons. Some painful, others invigorating. Many of my acquaintances appear to simply zoom in and out of my life swiftly. I am not trying to say that these hi-bye friends are not essential, instead, they highlight the importance of having lasting friends and I'm sure God has His own plan for all of us. Even between hi-bye friends. I truly believe that God tests all of us before we gain the vision, and the maturity, to understand what we are meant to do in life. I have to elaborate ambition nor do I wish to rule the world. But I am glad the path I am meant to take is clear to me. I believe, with all my heart that I am made to teach. Not because I am an excellent student, trust me on that, but rather, because I know it is the best avenue for me to use what limited talent I have to motivate, to inspire and to educate. And so this may just be my final test, before I set out to journey my designated path.
But there is so much left unsaid to my friends, young and old, read or virtual. I am truly glad to have spent my 18 years so far with many of my friends. I must say, there are some primary school mates (who will never see this) whom I still think of once in a while. Mel, Diana, Thomas, Denson, Sam, Hanling, Irene, Karling, Hanif and Irfaan, Ling. It is true that it's been many years but I will never forget the things I learnt in Pri School. Yes, I did learn things my friends... especially being a class monitor. It was of great importance to me at that point in time.
And my sec school truly made me who I am. Truly. My lower sec cliques. Though we don't exactly meet up much and there are times when I wanna kill some of you guys, I'm glad I found a place I can call home. And these friends are the ones I know I can depend on, and that I can fall back on if I ever need to. You guys can count on me to do the same...
My council mates. There really isn't much to say it there. We've been through so much. So much and I'm sure I've learnt things from everyone. Every single one... for the nights we kept each other strong and the determination we planted in each other, I appreciate. That was the point in my life when I felt there is nothing too big for me to conquer. Nothing at all. I was invincible. And God bless every one of you.
Though I wasn't exactly a devoted member in NCC, I must say I did have a great time with ya boys. And thank you for that hike up the mountain. This is for my brothers.
And then to high school.... Ok I must say we survived it didn't we. Haha.... All the rehearsals and all the late nights. The lack of sunlight and not doing homework. And there is no other group I would rather have been with for my 2 years in AC. Priceless I must say.
And to the damask drum people, thank you. Thank you for being there, for believing in our collective Japanese know-how and for being so work-able and to tolerate my nonsense.
This is a special shout out to the person I became while I was doing my Individual Skill. He has no name, basically because he is the void in all of our hearts. And I thank him for making me believe. For making me understand that importance of the body. And for making me know myself.
And every now and then, we come to a crossroad in our life. This is when we reflect on what made us who we are...
When you no longer know where to go, look back and see where you came from.
And somehow, I can never forget the dearest 23rd.
Dearest indeed. Though the words we exchange are little and the times we exactly see each other even less, I want every one to know that a part of me is changed forever thanks to you guys. If there is a single, most influential reason why I want to teach, you guys will be it. And once again, I apologise for the treatment in that SLC camp. It scarred me and I will hold on to the nightmare for life. Not because I think I was overboard, but because I was afraid of the person I became. I was worried at how much I am willing to degrade to make you guys better than me. Much better. And I did degrade didn't I? haha.. Surely I did. I would love to see each one of you guys become someone great in life. With honour and moral.
After all the bull crap, all I can say is thank you. Thank you all for changing the landscape of my life. And thank you all for being who you are.
In this world there is a need, for people to lead the rest.
To rise above the average life by giving off their best.
With love,
Chin Hua.
PS: I am actually rather ready for whatever they throw at me. haha. If every guy on the street can survive the military, I can. And if you know me enough, you will know I can. And child, partly we laugh and partly we weep. For laughter completes what tears leave blank and tears fill up the gap that laughter leaves. So though I will not cry, I will miss every one of my friends. Every single one. For those who ever had the opportunity of seeing me cry, all I can say is that I don't cry for everyone. I don't cry for pain, nor do I cry for sadness. What I weep for, is my inability to express myself. And when my friends weep, I too will weep. Not for myself but for my friends. I know there are so many how thinks that I am a heartless and emotionless freak of nature. And I blame no one but myself. I am not particularly interested, or capable, of expressing my emotions upfront. But I do feel. And I do care.
I will not offer my best friends wine or punch; rather, all I'll give is plain iced water. For my sincerity is clear and my intentions unambiguous.
So dearest friends, though I know many of you can't care less, I do. I really do. And when you need someone to listen, trust that I'll be there. Most importantly, when you do message me from now onwards, please state who you are. Because I have changed my cellphone to one without the camera function. And somehow, the storage capacity seems to be directly related to the price tag... so I've lost many of my previous contacts... :]
I'll be out in due time :].
Thank you.
Love,
C.
